Friday, February 4, 2011

The Goodbye Girl

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1

I have never been very good at goodbyes. I'm sure it stems somewhere from my childhood. The best that I can recall my first real goodbye wasn't really a goodbye at all. It was a total upheaval of lifestyle.

My parents divorced when I was eleven years old. I don't remember alot of the details, only that it was sudden, scary, sad and lonely. Emotionally and physically, I said goodbye to the only bedroom I ever remembered. I said goodbye to the neighborhood  and city I road my bike through. I said goodbye to the friends  who I'd gone to Kindergarten with and I  thought I'd graduate high school with. I said goodbye to my grandparents who lived one street over. I said goodbye to the routine of stopping there on my way to and from school each day. I said goodbye to  my father and my brother too. Everything felt different, smelled different, looked different.....including me.

This has been a year filled with goodbyes. I'm not sure I even "felt" most of them. I went through the motions and walked through them, but I'm not sure I was fully present for any of them. Do you know what I mean?

I said goodbye to my Biggie. Now don't be alarmed, she's still here, she's healthy,  living in a facility nearby. But for years my grandmother and I shared the upstairs of my parents home together. We watched Johnny Carson, shared meals, laughed and fought with each other. Saying goodbye to the Biggie as I'd known her was hard. Watching her age, have serious health troubles and be moved into a nursing facility was tough for us all. Especially for my Mom. I don't think I have actually processed this change yet. And yes, I do call her Biggie. Another blog for another day.

I said goodbye to my Kristi. Kristi graduated from high school this year. It was one of the proudest "mom-moments" but also one of the saddest. I  have treasured every moment of raising my children, it was difficult to come to terms with the fact that those days are gone. Kristi is a freshman in college now. Driving away from that campus  in August tore my heart in two.

I said goodbye to my parents. My mom will feel a twinge of guilt when she reads this. Please don't Mom. I love you and I'm so pleased you are living your dream. I guess I was in total denial about their moving from New Hampshire to Colorado. From the day they announced their house had sold, I didn't step into it. Honestly, I didn't help her pack, I didn't take one last glance at my old room, I didn't even drive by the property. I feel the GUILT about that!

As I prepare to close my daycare in two weeks, I am faced with the reality that more goodbyes are a certainty. My little friends are so special to me.  I've watched them grow and learn and created special memories with them. I hope that I can handle these goodbyes better than I have the rest. This time I am certain this goodbye is right for me and right for my family. I pray that I will handle myself gracefully.

There is one goodbye that I never got to properly say. So I feel compelled to say it here. There is one little girl, who will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. Although I haven't seen her in more than 7 months, there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't cross my mind. I pray that you are happy Miss Lily. I pray that you are thriving in your school and loving life, giggling and exploring and dancing your way through each day. I love you.....I always will. This is for you:

For Lily

Those big blue eyes that smile at me
Lily Grace, what do you see?

"The moon is broken Auntie Chelle" and
"Coach will fix it" so you say
Run and hide and jump and play
You find the joy in each new day

That silly dance, your tangled hair
"Lily, girl, you need to share!"
Your sleepy face after nap
looking for your "Dorie" snacks

Coach is "mine" you always teased
"Lily, will you please say 'please'?"
softball games and going shopping
sidewalk chalk and hop-scotching
balloons from bags was our fun game
without you, days won't be the same
finding rocks, making see the beauty in a tree

Playgroup dates and some tears too
Along the way you shed a few
"I want more!"-"Don't want to go!"
You always hated to hear "no".

There are so many memories we've shared
will you know how much I cared?
You've changed me in a way somehow
But I must let you go for now
Inside my heart there is a place
that's just for you
sweet Lily Grace.

Dear God, as I enter into this new season of life, I pray that you will guide my steps. I pray for the peace to say goodbye with grace and for the wisdom to embrace the future with hope! In Jesus' name. Amen



  1. ♥♥♥ You are such a beautiful, person, Michelle. Inside and out. I love your heart and your writing. You, my friend, are a Blessing to many. ♥♥♥

  2. That was so great to read. God will guide you to where he wants you to be. Keep them coming my friend. You have a gift. Love Michelle

  3. Dearest Michelle, life is all about change, don't we often try to fight it, to get comfortable in the now. Why can't things always stay the same, why can't we just be happy in the here and now.
    But then the new sun rises, the day gets rolling along and carries us with it. We are hearts and soul on the move from the day we enter this world till we leave it. Learning to embrace change, to relish it for the adventures it brings, is to honor our God, who has such wonderful "changes" in store for us. And remember, for every good-bye we say, there is a brand new hello awaiting us. Love you, Pep. This one was beautiful.