I have never been very good at goodbyes. I'm sure it stems somewhere from my childhood. The best that I can recall my first real goodbye wasn't really a goodbye at all. It was a total upheaval of lifestyle.
My parents divorced when I was eleven years old. I don't remember alot of the details, only that it was sudden, scary, sad and lonely. Emotionally and physically, I said goodbye to the only bedroom I ever remembered. I said goodbye to the neighborhood and city I road my bike through. I said goodbye to the friends who I'd gone to Kindergarten with and I thought I'd graduate high school with. I said goodbye to my grandparents who lived one street over. I said goodbye to the routine of stopping there on my way to and from school each day. I said goodbye to my father and my brother too. Everything felt different, smelled different, looked different.....including me.
This has been a year filled with goodbyes. I'm not sure I even "felt" most of them. I went through the motions and walked through them, but I'm not sure I was fully present for any of them. Do you know what I mean?
I said goodbye to my Biggie. Now don't be alarmed, she's still here, she's healthy, living in a facility nearby. But for years my grandmother and I shared the upstairs of my parents home together. We watched Johnny Carson, shared meals, laughed and fought with each other. Saying goodbye to the Biggie as I'd known her was hard. Watching her age, have serious health troubles and be moved into a nursing facility was tough for us all. Especially for my Mom. I don't think I have actually processed this change yet. And yes, I do call her Biggie. Another blog for another day.
I said goodbye to my Kristi. Kristi graduated from high school this year. It was one of the proudest "mom-moments" but also one of the saddest. I have treasured every moment of raising my children, it was difficult to come to terms with the fact that those days are gone. Kristi is a freshman in college now. Driving away from that campus in August tore my heart in two.
I said goodbye to my parents. My mom will feel a twinge of guilt when she reads this. Please don't Mom. I love you and I'm so pleased you are living your dream. I guess I was in total denial about their moving from New Hampshire to Colorado. From the day they announced their house had sold, I didn't step into it. Honestly, I didn't help her pack, I didn't take one last glance at my old room, I didn't even drive by the property. I feel the GUILT about that!
As I prepare to close my daycare in two weeks, I am faced with the reality that more goodbyes are a certainty. My little friends are so special to me. I've watched them grow and learn and created special memories with them. I hope that I can handle these goodbyes better than I have the rest. This time I am certain this goodbye is right for me and right for my family. I pray that I will handle myself gracefully.
Coach is "mine" you always teased