Friday, April 29, 2011


But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Hebrews 11: 6(NKJV)

So my friends, have you ever just wanted to run away?  Say 'I quit?'  That has been my kind of week this week (or month really).  Let's dial it back and take a look:

* My Allie is 18 and our road together has a rough history.  However in the past 10 months, she has really turned her life around.  She graduated early from High School, she met this wonderful, kind, patient young man and they are seriously the cutest couple EVER.  Believe me when I say, I have prayed and prayed for this girl and finally began to see God at work in her life.  She has a direction, she is surrounded by people who love and adore her and she so appreciates it, them and ME.  So where is the bad news you ask?  Well my beautiful girl has decided that she wants to live on her own with her boyfriend and sprung on us two weeks ago that they found an apartment and it's ready....NOW!  They wanted to move in that night.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  Don't get me wrong, while this might not have been my chosen path for her, she is soo happy and I can see how this will be a HUGE life experience for her, to which I might add, she is handling with such maturity.  I am so proud, yet literally sooo crushed inside.  My girl will no longer be here with to watch the Biggest Loser on Tuesday nights.  Or, to talk with me at the end of the day.  I LOVE having her around and I miss her sooo much!  I even tear up now thinking about how much I miss her, even though I almost see or talk to her every day :-(   WTF

* Next:  You all know the history of my best friend and I and how close we have grown over our faith.  Well, we no longer walk into the same doors on Sunday morning.  She is in Barrington and I'm in Dover.  Again, it's the right decision for us both individually and we will both grow in our faith and our walk because of it.  Yet, she will no longer be standing beside me as we worship.  She and I will no longer meet for coffee before service.  She will no longer be a face I see each and every Sunday....I really miss her :-(  WTF

* Okay next:  Chris and I decide to do the 17 Day Diet together.  I am so excited to do this with him and really feel like it will help both of us get on the right track with our diet and can support one another in the process.  Sounds great, right?  It was!  While we were so sick of chicken, turkey and fish and all the possible vegetables we could stuff into our bodies - it was kinda of fun!  We kidded and laughed about how HARD it was but were so excited about the possibility of losing the expected 10-12 pounds!  Well can you guess what happened?  Yup - Chris lost 10 and I lost 4 :-(  I tell people 6 because at one point I was down 6 but if I'm really honest, at the end of the 17 days it was really only 4!  WTF

It doesn't end there..many other daily trials and tribulations that we all face, I have faced this week.  Whether it was the 2nd leak in our hot tub, or scrounging to pay the mortgage because we made sure our beautiful Allie had the beautifully decorated apartment she deserved, or the firedrill that happened at the 11th hour at work on a critical project I've been working on since I started.  WTF

These day to day challenges are things you can face when your foundation is solid and your going on all cylindars.  But when your heart is crushed and your frustrations are peaked, the day to day stuff is really, really hard.  It's like I just want to run away and hide.  I just want to crawl in a hole and lick my wounds.  Can't I do that, God?  Can't I just not exist for a while?  When I get like this, I go into rebellion mode.  My attitude becomes 'screw it'.  And so I ATE that chocolate bunny, and said 'screw it' to the friend who didn't call me back, and I blamed someone else at work for things going wrong.  UGH.  Just plain ugly.

So when my very smart bff encouraged me to write this blog, my first thought was "I don't wanna!"  I didn't want to lose the WTF attitude.  I wanted to bathe in it for a while longer!   And then I began to hear the whisper.  The whisper that said "Your bff is right.  Just start writing!"  And so I did.  And then began to slowly feel my heart opening.  Once the heart began to open, it all just came pouring out.  The rebellious attitude began to fade and instead I heard to call of God.  He asked me very patiently, very gracefully, and very lovingly....WTF?


Dear heavenly Father:  I hear you now.  I see you now.  My heart is open now and I can clearly see that when I allow my vulnerabilities to be on display, and when I stop trying to be so strong and productive all the time, I am closer to you.  Help me to continue to keep my heart open Father, even when it's uncomforable.  Help me to allow others to support me, to show love to me.  Help me to stay in this place of vulnerability so that I truly experience the beauty of what true faith and love looks like.


Friday, April 22, 2011

The Silent Treatment

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world"~John 16:33

Hey there my friends! No doubt you've wondered where I've been the past two weeks. Ugh. I'm gonna be 100% percent honest. I've been giving you "The Silent Treatment". No, you didn't offend me or hurt my feelings.

When I am overwhelmed, frustrated, hurt, angry, confused, stressed out, self absorbed, unfocused, undisciplined, and pulled in too many directions:  I retreat. I've been in full retreat mode for the past 2 1/2 weeks. Why? Things have been out of control lately. Ok......I have been out of control lately. My life has looked something like this since my return from California

*A surprise birthday party to attend
*Job search in full force, having no luck with return calls or interviews, its been 6 wks already!
*Zumba class, I can't do this, I look like a fool
*should I or shouldn't I move back to the Barrington Campus church?maybe I should stay @ Dover?
*finish the taxes before Chris leaves for vacation
*A daughter with a flu while she's away at college calls feeling poorly
*groceries, banking, post office, etc
*Job search, more time wasted at the computer, frustration level increasing
*Date night with hubby :)
*Argument with hubby :(
*Women's Conference, I don't feel like going, this last night's argument has left my heart wounded and I just want to sit at home and lick my wounds. I go to the conference anyway.
*I fall apart during Sunday service, leave bawling and wondering what I'm doing wrong?
*stop at Pharmacy to pick up prescription, Pharmacy is CLOSED
*balance check book, ugh, not as much as I'd hoped is left after paying bills
*More internet searches, still no luck finding a job
*another heated "discussion" with hubby, this feels awful, I don't understand him, he doesn't get me
*drop car off at garage, need new tires & brakes, $700 in unexpected bills
*chiropractor appointment, is it a wonder? all this tension goes right to my back
*got a call for an interview, ok, now what? I haven't had an interview in 22 years!
*iron clothes, ask BFF a million ridiculous interview questions, stuff down the desire to FREAK OUT
*banking, groceries, another trip to the pharmacy
*pray desperately to make it through the interview, which I do! Really like this place but its only a "temporary" position. Ugh this is NOT the answer I wanted God!
*pick up daughter at college, drive her to an interview, drive her back to college
*argue again, this time over the phone with hubby, while he's away in Florida at a tournament
*Debate back and forth the pro's and con's of temporary job. Maybe I should wait for something else? God I can't hear you!
*Meet with nutritionalist and weight loss consultant, I NEED to get this under control!!!!
*Daughter calls from Florida with an allergic my best to help....defer to husband and give explicit instructions on how to handle. Another argument ensues.
*Dental emergency....estimated repair $2000.....forego permanent solution and settle for the "temporary fix" which is $200.

Are you tired yet? I am! Sometimes my life is soooo messy. I wish I could say that I handled all of those situations well. For the most part I didn't. What I can tell you, is that I felt very alone.....very frustrated.....very bitter. Where is God? Why can't I hear Him?! Help me!!!!!! Frankly, for the past two and half weeks, I've given God "The Silent Treatment"....I've barely even acknowledged Him, much less his ability to help me.

If I sit still long enough and really evaluate the situation, I can tell you without hesitation that I did feel God's presence and comfort during two of those situations. The first, that morning at church, I knew he was beside me. I was so caught up in my own turmoil I couldn't even sing during worship service. When Pastor gave the call to come forward for prayer, I knew I needed to. When he looked into my tear filled eyes, I told him "I can't fix this"......and his answer???? "You're right, you can't. But God can". In that moment, I believed it....I accepted it...and I asked God for his support, comfort and guidance.

The second incident was the morning of my interview. Now please keep in mind, I haven't had a job interview since 1989. Seriously. I've been a stay at home Mom for 16 1/2 years. I knew this was a situation too big for me to handle alone. My oldest daughter is away at college. My husband and youngest daughter were away at a softball tournament in Florida. I had no one to lean on......except God. And boy did he come through. I was WAY out of my league, but landed the job with flying colors! It didn't look exactly like I wanted it to but he opened the door. He opened a door to a world I NEVER imagined working in. Whew!

So what's my problem? This is it. I stopped looking to God. I looked to my husband and my best friend, my neighbor and myself. I looked to the Pastor and the internet and in books. I didn't look to God.....for my answers, for my peace, for my joy, for my comfort, for my strength or even just to "vent" to. I left Him completely out of my life.

I've noticed that when I leave God out, I seriously make a mess of some situations. I panic when I should have peace. I cry instead of receiving comfort. I growl instead of receive guidance.

So.......the real question is......"Why?"......."Why have I given God (and you, the blog followers)  The Silent Treatment? For me, it comes down to being afraid. Being afraid to show God how really ugly I can be inside. To let him know how angry I can be, how frustrated I get, how jealous I am, how down right mean I want to be sometimes. Will God still love me if  I show him THAT side of me? Will you? Do I trust Him and you enough to know that you'll all see my real heart?  TO BE CONTINUED.....

Dear God~  You have warned me that in this world I will have trouble. You, however, have already overcome this world. By coming to you, in all things, I can have peace.  Help me to trust you...with my heart, with my troubles, with my fears and with the ugly sides of me I'm afraid to reveal. In Jesus' name~Amen

Happy Easter & Hugs,