Sunday, July 29, 2012

Doubting Thomas

WARNING* This blog is not for the faint at heart. It will be real, it will be ugly, it will probably contain profanity. If you choose to read it, I assume no responsibility for the condition of your heart when you finish. Honestly, I don't care about the condition of your heart, I'm more concerned with preventing my own from shatttering into a million unrepairable pieces at the moment.

In a recent blog, I wrote about a couple of profound relational losses that rocked my world. It brought me to my knees and in an effort to soothe my own pain, I medicated with food. For two years. Two years and a hundred and fifty pounds. Its a disgusting, painful reflection of who I am.

This is probably the most difficult blog I have ever written.

For the past 4 months there has been a constant barrage of problems in my life. Three unexpected painful, medical procedures. Weeks of loneliness, pain, and  frustration. I have tried to see the bright side of things, I have tried to see God's hand in all of this. I have tried to find the blessings. I've read countless scripture, prayed,  journaled every emotion and handed it all over to God, trusting that he would take care of things.

Day in and day out I waited.

and waited

and waited.

I thought I understood.

But I don't.

As I face again, another relational challenge. I want to know where the hell God is????? Are you gonna show up NOW? How much more can I  take? I have done everything you asked me to and this is my reward? This is bullshit. I'm mad as hell. This was the last time I was willing to give my heart to anyone. As I watch it unravel before my eyes, helpless to stop it from happening these are my thoughts:

I quit

I'm done

I'm done with relationships and I'm done with God and I'm done with church.

Praying doesn't solve anything. Its for the weak and the helpless. It gives them a sense that they're holding onto a bigger power, who is in control because they are not.

God doesn't love me...this is proof of that. I'm not even on God's radar.

You can't trust anyone. Not really. Not with who you really are....not with your inner most feelings and thoughts. People judge, people leave, people hurt.

Early this morning, I went for a walk. Entirely alone while the rest of the campground slept, I walked in the rain. It wasn't long before the sweat mingled with tears. I am so fucking angry that I let this happen to myself AGAIN.

I came upon a small bridge connecting one section of the campground to another. I stood on that bridge and sobbed. When looked down, I watched the river flow quickly by. This blog took hold and maybe in some sense of healing I decided to write it, profanity and all.

Life is like a river, rushing past. There are obstacles all along the way. Some big rocks, some small, some branches with sharp edges that cut and bruise and poke you along the way. There are also some areas where the water pools. It gets slimy and stagnant and algae grows there.

I won't be the water pool. Rocks will get in my way. Some big, some small.  But like the water I intended to flow around them and keep moving forward. I'm not going to hold onto anything or anyone. I'm just going to move forward. I will not lose my shit and be wrecked by this. Alone, like the water,  I will keep moving foward.

I have no inspirational thoughts, only raw emotion. I have no scripture to quote, no love to share, nothing to give to you.

This is the real ME today