Friday, April 29, 2011


But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Hebrews 11: 6(NKJV)

So my friends, have you ever just wanted to run away?  Say 'I quit?'  That has been my kind of week this week (or month really).  Let's dial it back and take a look:

* My Allie is 18 and our road together has a rough history.  However in the past 10 months, she has really turned her life around.  She graduated early from High School, she met this wonderful, kind, patient young man and they are seriously the cutest couple EVER.  Believe me when I say, I have prayed and prayed for this girl and finally began to see God at work in her life.  She has a direction, she is surrounded by people who love and adore her and she so appreciates it, them and ME.  So where is the bad news you ask?  Well my beautiful girl has decided that she wants to live on her own with her boyfriend and sprung on us two weeks ago that they found an apartment and it's ready....NOW!  They wanted to move in that night.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  Don't get me wrong, while this might not have been my chosen path for her, she is soo happy and I can see how this will be a HUGE life experience for her, to which I might add, she is handling with such maturity.  I am so proud, yet literally sooo crushed inside.  My girl will no longer be here with to watch the Biggest Loser on Tuesday nights.  Or, to talk with me at the end of the day.  I LOVE having her around and I miss her sooo much!  I even tear up now thinking about how much I miss her, even though I almost see or talk to her every day :-(   WTF

* Next:  You all know the history of my best friend and I and how close we have grown over our faith.  Well, we no longer walk into the same doors on Sunday morning.  She is in Barrington and I'm in Dover.  Again, it's the right decision for us both individually and we will both grow in our faith and our walk because of it.  Yet, she will no longer be standing beside me as we worship.  She and I will no longer meet for coffee before service.  She will no longer be a face I see each and every Sunday....I really miss her :-(  WTF

* Okay next:  Chris and I decide to do the 17 Day Diet together.  I am so excited to do this with him and really feel like it will help both of us get on the right track with our diet and can support one another in the process.  Sounds great, right?  It was!  While we were so sick of chicken, turkey and fish and all the possible vegetables we could stuff into our bodies - it was kinda of fun!  We kidded and laughed about how HARD it was but were so excited about the possibility of losing the expected 10-12 pounds!  Well can you guess what happened?  Yup - Chris lost 10 and I lost 4 :-(  I tell people 6 because at one point I was down 6 but if I'm really honest, at the end of the 17 days it was really only 4!  WTF

It doesn't end there..many other daily trials and tribulations that we all face, I have faced this week.  Whether it was the 2nd leak in our hot tub, or scrounging to pay the mortgage because we made sure our beautiful Allie had the beautifully decorated apartment she deserved, or the firedrill that happened at the 11th hour at work on a critical project I've been working on since I started.  WTF

These day to day challenges are things you can face when your foundation is solid and your going on all cylindars.  But when your heart is crushed and your frustrations are peaked, the day to day stuff is really, really hard.  It's like I just want to run away and hide.  I just want to crawl in a hole and lick my wounds.  Can't I do that, God?  Can't I just not exist for a while?  When I get like this, I go into rebellion mode.  My attitude becomes 'screw it'.  And so I ATE that chocolate bunny, and said 'screw it' to the friend who didn't call me back, and I blamed someone else at work for things going wrong.  UGH.  Just plain ugly.

So when my very smart bff encouraged me to write this blog, my first thought was "I don't wanna!"  I didn't want to lose the WTF attitude.  I wanted to bathe in it for a while longer!   And then I began to hear the whisper.  The whisper that said "Your bff is right.  Just start writing!"  And so I did.  And then began to slowly feel my heart opening.  Once the heart began to open, it all just came pouring out.  The rebellious attitude began to fade and instead I heard to call of God.  He asked me very patiently, very gracefully, and very lovingly....WTF?


Dear heavenly Father:  I hear you now.  I see you now.  My heart is open now and I can clearly see that when I allow my vulnerabilities to be on display, and when I stop trying to be so strong and productive all the time, I am closer to you.  Help me to continue to keep my heart open Father, even when it's uncomforable.  Help me to allow others to support me, to show love to me.  Help me to stay in this place of vulnerability so that I truly experience the beauty of what true faith and love looks like.



  1. Wow, Tammy. I think you just put into words what so many of us have experienced at one time or another. Thank you for sharing this.


  2. My dear friend, I can tell you that your family was SURROUNDED in faith this morning. I continue to pray for your strength. Love you!