Friday, April 22, 2011

The Silent Treatment

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world"~John 16:33

Hey there my friends! No doubt you've wondered where I've been the past two weeks. Ugh. I'm gonna be 100% percent honest. I've been giving you "The Silent Treatment". No, you didn't offend me or hurt my feelings.

When I am overwhelmed, frustrated, hurt, angry, confused, stressed out, self absorbed, unfocused, undisciplined, and pulled in too many directions:  I retreat. I've been in full retreat mode for the past 2 1/2 weeks. Why? Things have been out of control lately. Ok......I have been out of control lately. My life has looked something like this since my return from California

*A surprise birthday party to attend
*Job search in full force, having no luck with return calls or interviews, its been 6 wks already!
*Zumba class, I can't do this, I look like a fool
*should I or shouldn't I move back to the Barrington Campus church?maybe I should stay @ Dover?
*finish the taxes before Chris leaves for vacation
*A daughter with a flu while she's away at college calls feeling poorly
*groceries, banking, post office, etc
*Job search, more time wasted at the computer, frustration level increasing
*Date night with hubby :)
*Argument with hubby :(
*Women's Conference, I don't feel like going, this last night's argument has left my heart wounded and I just want to sit at home and lick my wounds. I go to the conference anyway.
*I fall apart during Sunday service, leave bawling and wondering what I'm doing wrong?
*stop at Pharmacy to pick up prescription, Pharmacy is CLOSED
*balance check book, ugh, not as much as I'd hoped is left after paying bills
*More internet searches, still no luck finding a job
*another heated "discussion" with hubby, this feels awful, I don't understand him, he doesn't get me
*drop car off at garage, need new tires & brakes, $700 in unexpected bills
*chiropractor appointment, is it a wonder? all this tension goes right to my back
*got a call for an interview, ok, now what? I haven't had an interview in 22 years!
*iron clothes, ask BFF a million ridiculous interview questions, stuff down the desire to FREAK OUT
*banking, groceries, another trip to the pharmacy
*pray desperately to make it through the interview, which I do! Really like this place but its only a "temporary" position. Ugh this is NOT the answer I wanted God!
*pick up daughter at college, drive her to an interview, drive her back to college
*argue again, this time over the phone with hubby, while he's away in Florida at a tournament
*Debate back and forth the pro's and con's of temporary job. Maybe I should wait for something else? God I can't hear you!
*Meet with nutritionalist and weight loss consultant, I NEED to get this under control!!!!
*Daughter calls from Florida with an allergic my best to help....defer to husband and give explicit instructions on how to handle. Another argument ensues.
*Dental emergency....estimated repair $2000.....forego permanent solution and settle for the "temporary fix" which is $200.

Are you tired yet? I am! Sometimes my life is soooo messy. I wish I could say that I handled all of those situations well. For the most part I didn't. What I can tell you, is that I felt very alone.....very frustrated.....very bitter. Where is God? Why can't I hear Him?! Help me!!!!!! Frankly, for the past two and half weeks, I've given God "The Silent Treatment"....I've barely even acknowledged Him, much less his ability to help me.

If I sit still long enough and really evaluate the situation, I can tell you without hesitation that I did feel God's presence and comfort during two of those situations. The first, that morning at church, I knew he was beside me. I was so caught up in my own turmoil I couldn't even sing during worship service. When Pastor gave the call to come forward for prayer, I knew I needed to. When he looked into my tear filled eyes, I told him "I can't fix this"......and his answer???? "You're right, you can't. But God can". In that moment, I believed it....I accepted it...and I asked God for his support, comfort and guidance.

The second incident was the morning of my interview. Now please keep in mind, I haven't had a job interview since 1989. Seriously. I've been a stay at home Mom for 16 1/2 years. I knew this was a situation too big for me to handle alone. My oldest daughter is away at college. My husband and youngest daughter were away at a softball tournament in Florida. I had no one to lean on......except God. And boy did he come through. I was WAY out of my league, but landed the job with flying colors! It didn't look exactly like I wanted it to but he opened the door. He opened a door to a world I NEVER imagined working in. Whew!

So what's my problem? This is it. I stopped looking to God. I looked to my husband and my best friend, my neighbor and myself. I looked to the Pastor and the internet and in books. I didn't look to God.....for my answers, for my peace, for my joy, for my comfort, for my strength or even just to "vent" to. I left Him completely out of my life.

I've noticed that when I leave God out, I seriously make a mess of some situations. I panic when I should have peace. I cry instead of receiving comfort. I growl instead of receive guidance.

So.......the real question is......"Why?"......."Why have I given God (and you, the blog followers)  The Silent Treatment? For me, it comes down to being afraid. Being afraid to show God how really ugly I can be inside. To let him know how angry I can be, how frustrated I get, how jealous I am, how down right mean I want to be sometimes. Will God still love me if  I show him THAT side of me? Will you? Do I trust Him and you enough to know that you'll all see my real heart?  TO BE CONTINUED.....

Dear God~  You have warned me that in this world I will have trouble. You, however, have already overcome this world. By coming to you, in all things, I can have peace.  Help me to trust you...with my heart, with my troubles, with my fears and with the ugly sides of me I'm afraid to reveal. In Jesus' name~Amen

Happy Easter & Hugs,


  1. Michelle, breathe. We all can't get out of our own way sometimes. Get some rest(slow down if possible), take vitamins...and yes you should come back to the Barrington campus..

  2. Michelle, it's your honesty and love that gets you through your toughest times along with the almighty God. Since meeting you, I have found that your blogs help me to know there are other people that share the same life I do. Thank you for inviting me to your world. Thank you for letting me share my world with you in your words. I do believe that God sends people together for reasons. Your friendship has been an inspiration for me. Love you girlfriend!!

  3. I'd post my list, but we'd all wallow in self-pity. Trials and tests, tests and trials. Ugh! They can be exhausting. Keep looking UP, Michelle. You are not walking this alone. He is with you, holding you through it all. It is easy to forget God in the mist of our busy lives, but He NEVER forgets us. He is waiting for us to call upon His name. Hold His hand, No, let Him carry you. (and if you look to your left and right, you are surrounded by friends)

    Your blog spoke volumes to me. I find myself in a "difficult" patch right now. I found myself on my knees in a hotel bathroom, alone, crying out to Him this past weekend. He does hear, He does care, He does answer--in His time. It's a bit harder for me because I'm such a "transient" and, well, if I want to start the pity party, my fellowship is odd still. *shrugs* His ways are higher...who am I?

    So, my friend, what is He teaching us? What are we missing? Keep looking UP and don't forget Him along the way.

    Thanks for being so honest and transparent. I love you, girlfriend!

    And as for which campus--He has told you. Now, it's up to you to listen--walk in His will. <3

  4. Thanks girls <3 Your comments encourage me to continue writing. It shows me time and time again how important it is to be transparent AND to direct each other back to God. Afterall, He is the only one strong enough to carry the load. I know that each of you who commented (and even those who didn't) have your own struggles and you will be in my prayers today my girlfriends! Love you xoxox