Friday, June 14, 2013

Crystal Clear

Dear Readers:

My heart has been heavy for two months and in an effort to heal and let go, I find myself here. Writing is  how I express myself best.

Please know my intention is not to hurt anyone else. My motivation for this blog, my motivation in life, has been to ease other people's pain by sharing my own. The dysfunction and alcoholism of my childhood, the emotional scars and confusion of life, my weight, my running, and so many other internal battles I've shared with you here. The final post on  this  particular blog will do the same. My prayer is that you will take something away that will benefit YOUR life. 

It is with a broken heart I tell you, Tammy and I have parted ways. Several weeks ago, she made the decision to walk away from this friendship. I can't say that I understand but I  have accepted it. I definitely have not healed. The details are irrelevant. The choice was hers and she's made her position clear. 

As you many know there's a long list of people who have chosen to "leave" me. Until recently I viewed that LIST as a negative thing. Affirmation that I am  unlovable, unworthy, broken, disposable. As I've processed through the cycle of emotions, over and over and over again, looking at the evidence, analyzing the list, this time I've come to a much different conclusion.

I took a good hard look at who I am and who I wanted to be. How do I live my life and what do I need to change? I'm  very clear on who I am. Crystal Clear. Perfect?  no!  thank God. I don't want to be. 

It is with great clarity I conclude that I am the woman strong enough to say :

"You scared the hell out of me as a child but I will not allow you to scare MY children".......and he walked away.

"You're wrong, cheating on your husband is wrong and you're making the worst decision of your life".......and she walked away.

"You need to take care of your daughter and her health and be a responsible parent. Caring for your sick child is not my job".....and they walked away.

"I won't let you abuse your child in front of me, verbally or physically".......and she walked away

"You can't humiliate my daughters at a public event when you're intoxicated and think I will understand"......and she walked away.

"A friend doesn't bail when you're child has been sick for 18 months and claim that she's 'busy', that's not a friendship".....and she walked away.

"You can't walk in and walk out....., push and pull...., love and punish.....commit and  then bail time and time again and expect me to accept it. You can't call me sister and act like this "......and she walked away.

Yes, each of them walked away but more importantly I saw who I am. I am loving and forgiving and compassionate and 100% your friend. I am also strong. SO STRONG.

**Strong enough to survive and create this amazing life I have built for my family.

** Strong enough to raise the two most amazing daughters I have ever seen. If you doubt me, if  you think that's just "mom  talk" a little research and you'll see what I mean.

** Strong enough to endure the highs and lows of a 23 year marriage in a society that tells you a piece of paper isn't important.

**Strong enough to adopt countless children other parents have failed to love and earn the honored title of "Momma Bear"

**Strong enough to be a stay at home mom for 17 years and strong enough to return to the workforce to build a career in my 40s.

** Strong enough to cry and tell you how hard its been.

**Strong enough to discuss all the garbage that comes along with growing up in a screwed up household and understand what you're going through.

**Strong enough to post pictures on FaceBook 100 lbs overweight while  I run 5Ks.

** I am strong and I am enough.

The loss of my friendship with Tammy has forever changed me. I forgive her, I truly do. But I won't forget. I know I did what I was supposed to do....when she walked back into my life in 2006 I opened my heart and my home and my family and loved her like she'd never left. That's what Jesus would have done. He also instructed his disciples to "shake the dust off their feet" when they were rejected.

So I've been rejected AGAIN, its true. It hurt like hell, I won't lie. But I can't control what other people do or say or decide. We are each accountable to God for our own actions. I love with abandon, I give until I bleed, I show up over and over again. I'm ridiculously silly and passionately emotional. Truthfully, I'm at peace with who I am.

My next blog will be in a new format :) God bless <3


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