Saturday, June 23, 2012
What is Love?
" Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love"~1 John 4:8
It just doesn't seem fair sometimes. Life, that is. Life just doesn't seem fair.
Back in January of this year, I declared 2012 the year of ME. The year I would get healthy, the year I would learn balance. The year I would make myself a priority. It seems as though ever since I made that decision there has been nothing but obstacles in my way. My BFF lovingly refers to them as "opportunities to practice" but blah, they're obstacles.
As some may know, I lost a substantial amount of weight a few years back. 150 lbs to be exact. No that's not a typo, it is a fact. I did indeed, lose one. hundred. fifty. pounds. Due to a 2 year long, self proclaimed, time of mourning and self loathing, I put nearly every pound back on. Although, disgusting to admit, I am truthful when I say.... I did it to myself. I had a couple of heart breaking, gut wrenching, awful loses in my personal life and I just decided, deep within my soul that I was unlovable. Unlovable by other people and unlovable to myself. Why bother taking care of myself? Truth be told I tried to eat myself to death.
In January, I got my head on straight and set about the work of losing this weight again. This time, the right way, with balance, forethought, and sustainability. In Febraury, I spent a great deal of time getting my past where it belonged. In the past. Forgiving other people and learning to forgive myself.
By March, I began to feel somewhat whole. I began to see possiblities and choices I'd never imagined before. One of those choices, came in the form of running. Never having been able to "run" before, I doubted my ability. Spurred on by some other seasoned runners, however, I decided to try a Couch to 5K program. Little by little, 30 seconds at a time, I trained myself to run. I endured shin splints, cramps, blisters and to my surprise, severe boughts of diarhea after a run. Severe. Explosive. Violent.
I ignored some symptoms and kept pushing. Determined to do what I'd never done before, I ran through pain, I ran through blood, I ran through a lump that continued to grow in a place lumps are not intended to grow. After six weeks, I knew I could no longer ignore the problem and visited the doctor, expecting a prescription and orders to lay off the running for a while. That didn't happen. I was immediately told I'd need a surgical procedure and to head on over to the ER. What?!
Needless to say, I spent several weeks recovering from the procedure, wanting to run, not able to and very frustrated. I was told by one doctor everything was fine, completely recovered and I could close the chapter and move on. During this time, the world seemed to swirl around me. Discontent at my home church invaded my thoughts. A demanding work schedule daily, trying to make up lost time at my job. A nerve-shattering disagreement with my most beloved friend, left me reeling with inner turmoil. I completely shut down. For days, I didn't speak. I couldn't speak. Infact, I was pretty damn angry. If God loved me so much why was I hurting so badly?
Medically speaking, the the new lease on life was short lived. Symptoms returned. I returned to the doctor and was sent to a specialist. Within 72 hours I found myself on a surgical unit, having a much more invasive, much more painful procedure.
I've had alot of time to think these past 24 hours since the surgery. A major revealation hit me yesterday. Don't laugh? For me it was a lightbulb moment. During all of these awful experiences, there were moments of intense love. Love that I haven't ever considered before.
Growing up the way that I did, I have never understood "a fathers love". Actually, I have never truly understood or felt God's love. However, recently I have seen glimpses of that love. Glimpses, moments, and pieces that touch me and hold me up during moments like this.....when I'm counting the minutes until my next pain medication dose.
What does God's love look like? What does love in action mean?
*It comes in the form of a single Mom of 8 children. She works all day long, budgets every penny and spends the time and gas money to drive 20 minutes out of her way to deliver road side daisies to my door. When she arrives, I'm alone, on the porch, angry, hating myself, unable to speak. She tells me the daisies remind her of me. "Cheery, bright, and often overlooked". I still can't speak, she just hugs me.
*It comes in the form of the puppy who does not leave my side. She knows just when to snuggle, just when to lick my face, just when to pull a silly mischevious antic to make me laugh. She follows my every move.
*It comes in the form of a DVD in the mail. 600+ digital photos of my grandfather. He died 15 years ago this summer. My brother Scott made a copy of all the pictures and sent it to me, without my knowing or asking for it.
*It comes in the form of a journal. A beautiful Italian leather journal. From a friend I haven't seen in a while. A friend I wondered if I mattered to? A friend I wondered might be departing from our friendship?
*It comes in the form of the daughter, who makes me scrambled eggs and brings me chai tea and unloads the dishwasher.
* It comes in the form of a boss, who cares more about my health improving than about the goals we're not achieving this month.
* It comes in the form of doctors, nurses and providers who do everything they can to make you comfortable, answer your questions and make this absurd situation seem a little less absurd.
*It comes in the form of a sweet voice calling from college to say "Hi Mumma, how are you feeling?"
*It comes in the form of a hug, from an 8 year old little girl I love to pieces. "Feel better Michelle, I'll miss you this weekend".
*It comes in the form of the countless text messages, FaceBook messages and calls from friends, promising to pray, asking how you're doing, how they can help.
*It comes in the form of a BFF who brings you a movie to cry with, a book to loan, bright yellow flowers to cheer you and then lays on your sofa and talks the afternoon away.
*It even comes from the often clueless, somewhat stubborn, no idea what to do husband, who is just strong and ever present in my life...... day after day after day.
*It comes in the form of a Moe's sub delivered by a wonderful friend who understands God's love is shown in many ways and forms. Even in yummy ways.
In all these ways and many many more, God has whispered to my heart recently......" I see you and I love you. I'm right here".
Accepting love, believing I am loved, understanding love.....isn't something that comes natural to me. It goes against most everything that's been taught and demonstrated to me in "the world." But I'm learning. After all, its the YEAR OF ME.....I'm determined to learn this lesson too.
Thank you Father, for showing me the Truth of real love. It doesn't always come in a neat and tidy package tied with a bow but its always signed with Your Name. May I always remember that it is as important to receive your love as it is to give it generously. In your name I pray~Amen
Hugs,
Michelle
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Help I Need Somebody! Help Not Just Anybody!........
"My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth"~Psalm 121:2
Remember the famous Beatles song? That could have been the theme song to my life for the past 10 days! Although I've never considered myself to be particularly strong or independent, it seems as though to some degree, I am. I don't ask for help all that often. In my day to day life, I manage fairly well. The typical things like keeping up with laundry, grocery shopping, working, are relatively kept under control.
Recently, I became aware of a personal medical issue. It seemed relatively minor. I attempted to self diagnose and treat the problem. One week passed. Then another and a third. By the end of the fourth week I was in a fair amount of pain and decided I needed to see a doctor. Without an ounce of apprehension, I visited my doctor on a Tuesday afternoon. I fully expected an antibiotic and complete resolution of the matter. Boy was I surprised when my doctor took one look at my issue and said "YOU need a surgeon!". She promptly scheduled an appointment for me to meet with a surgeon 2 days later.
Truth be told I begged her to deal with the situation in the office. She refused. I pushed (and I can be pushy when I want to be!) and she adamantly refused. I sat stunned in my car in the parking lot. A surgeon? how can this be? Suddenly, my cell began to ring. A nurse explained she I neededd speak with the surgeon directly. Within minutes the surgeon called and requested I find someone to drive with and go the Emergency Room. Wait, what? This isn't happening, right?
The surgeon explained that although not "serious" the issue needed to be addressed immediately. What should have been a minor issue had turned into a major one. In no small part because of my self diagnosis and hesitancy to address the problem promptly. As the world swirled around me I tried to piece together what was happening, the physical pain I was being told I was facing, and WHO could I turn to? Who did I want to turn to?
It took me nearly 45 minutes to stop shaking and drive myself to the softball field where my husband was coaching. He drove me to hospital where we spent the next 4 hours. My lessons in ASKING began there. The days that followed were, without a doubt, the most humbling and painful I have ever experienced.
*I asked my husband to be strong for me. To hold my hand, to ask medical questions, to let me cry when I needed to. To drive me, to stand over me during the painful procedure, to contact people and update them on my condition. I asked him to care for me in ways I don't usually have to rely on him.
*I asked medical professionals to treat me....with respect, with compassion, with medical procedures
*I asked a friend to fill and drop off my prescriptions
*I asked another friend to bring over medical supplies
*I asked two girlfriends to stay and visit and make me laugh
*I asked my daughter to get this and get that, help here and help there.
*I asked my best friend to pray. There wasn't anything else she could do. Away on a vacation with her family, I know it was hard for her not to be here.
*I asked a dear friend to understand when I couldn't attend a very special event in her life that week.
*I asked my boss for time off and for understanding.
*I asked my co-workers for their understanding and to fill my void on the team until I could return.
*I asked God every day....for healing, for the strength to endure, for comfort, just to be near me.
I asked for more favors and grace and assistance during this process than I think I ever have. It was truly humbling to NEED other people to help me. It was even more humbling to watch each and every person I asked, step up and do just that.
What I saw happen during this experience was amazing. When I set aside my pride, my preconceived notions, my stubbornness....people showed up in a big way. My husband, my daughters, my friends, my co-workers. When I asked and I allowed them to help, I allowed them to share their love, their talents, themselves. I allowed them to be a little more of who they are. It was a beautiful thing to watch. By showing my weakness, I allowed them to reveal their strengths. Truthfully, I saw the happiness they felt in helping me and I was a little ashamed that I hadn't seen it sooner.
I am so grateful for the love I have received through allof this mess . I am also very aware of how closesly this parallels with my relationship with Jesus. When I allow him to be involved in my life, the good, the bad and the nasty, He is allowed to show me His strength. When I accept His love, His gifts, His blessings, yes I am blessed, but it also makes Him incredibly happy to help me.
Dear Jesus, Thank you for teaching me lessons on humility. Thank you for revealing your love through other people. Thank you for modern medicine and medical professionals. May I always remember the importance of allowing other people to shine their light and share their love. You created us to love and to be loved. Its just as important for me to receive, as it is to give. In your name I pray, Amen <3
Hugs!
Michelle
Remember the famous Beatles song? That could have been the theme song to my life for the past 10 days! Although I've never considered myself to be particularly strong or independent, it seems as though to some degree, I am. I don't ask for help all that often. In my day to day life, I manage fairly well. The typical things like keeping up with laundry, grocery shopping, working, are relatively kept under control.
Recently, I became aware of a personal medical issue. It seemed relatively minor. I attempted to self diagnose and treat the problem. One week passed. Then another and a third. By the end of the fourth week I was in a fair amount of pain and decided I needed to see a doctor. Without an ounce of apprehension, I visited my doctor on a Tuesday afternoon. I fully expected an antibiotic and complete resolution of the matter. Boy was I surprised when my doctor took one look at my issue and said "YOU need a surgeon!". She promptly scheduled an appointment for me to meet with a surgeon 2 days later.
Truth be told I begged her to deal with the situation in the office. She refused. I pushed (and I can be pushy when I want to be!) and she adamantly refused. I sat stunned in my car in the parking lot. A surgeon? how can this be? Suddenly, my cell began to ring. A nurse explained she I neededd speak with the surgeon directly. Within minutes the surgeon called and requested I find someone to drive with and go the Emergency Room. Wait, what? This isn't happening, right?
The surgeon explained that although not "serious" the issue needed to be addressed immediately. What should have been a minor issue had turned into a major one. In no small part because of my self diagnosis and hesitancy to address the problem promptly. As the world swirled around me I tried to piece together what was happening, the physical pain I was being told I was facing, and WHO could I turn to? Who did I want to turn to?
It took me nearly 45 minutes to stop shaking and drive myself to the softball field where my husband was coaching. He drove me to hospital where we spent the next 4 hours. My lessons in ASKING began there. The days that followed were, without a doubt, the most humbling and painful I have ever experienced.
*I asked my husband to be strong for me. To hold my hand, to ask medical questions, to let me cry when I needed to. To drive me, to stand over me during the painful procedure, to contact people and update them on my condition. I asked him to care for me in ways I don't usually have to rely on him.
*I asked medical professionals to treat me....with respect, with compassion, with medical procedures
*I asked a friend to fill and drop off my prescriptions
*I asked another friend to bring over medical supplies
*I asked two girlfriends to stay and visit and make me laugh
*I asked my daughter to get this and get that, help here and help there.
*I asked my best friend to pray. There wasn't anything else she could do. Away on a vacation with her family, I know it was hard for her not to be here.
*I asked a dear friend to understand when I couldn't attend a very special event in her life that week.
*I asked my boss for time off and for understanding.
*I asked my co-workers for their understanding and to fill my void on the team until I could return.
*I asked God every day....for healing, for the strength to endure, for comfort, just to be near me.
I asked for more favors and grace and assistance during this process than I think I ever have. It was truly humbling to NEED other people to help me. It was even more humbling to watch each and every person I asked, step up and do just that.
What I saw happen during this experience was amazing. When I set aside my pride, my preconceived notions, my stubbornness....people showed up in a big way. My husband, my daughters, my friends, my co-workers. When I asked and I allowed them to help, I allowed them to share their love, their talents, themselves. I allowed them to be a little more of who they are. It was a beautiful thing to watch. By showing my weakness, I allowed them to reveal their strengths. Truthfully, I saw the happiness they felt in helping me and I was a little ashamed that I hadn't seen it sooner.
I am so grateful for the love I have received through allof this mess . I am also very aware of how closesly this parallels with my relationship with Jesus. When I allow him to be involved in my life, the good, the bad and the nasty, He is allowed to show me His strength. When I accept His love, His gifts, His blessings, yes I am blessed, but it also makes Him incredibly happy to help me.
Dear Jesus, Thank you for teaching me lessons on humility. Thank you for revealing your love through other people. Thank you for modern medicine and medical professionals. May I always remember the importance of allowing other people to shine their light and share their love. You created us to love and to be loved. Its just as important for me to receive, as it is to give. In your name I pray, Amen <3
Hugs!
Michelle
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Who Are YOU?
"Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us "~ Romans 8:37 (amplified)
I think we've all had those moments
** you look in the mirror and don't recognize the person staring back at you? You look deeply into your own eyes and its surreal how little you know about yourself
**your child does something so amazing, whether good or bad, and you look on, astonished and think "I never saw that coming, who are you?"
**someone you love, your spouse, your parent, a friend, wounds you in a way you'd never predict and you're stunned into the acknowledgement that you don't really know them.
I've done alot of thinking recently about this. Especially the part about knowing myself. Long ago I disappeared into my life, I stopped being myself and started being:
* a child of domestic violence
*a probability for addiction
* an overweight statistic
* Chris' wife
* Kristi & Chelsea's mom
* the friend everyone counted on to rescue them
* the reliable one
* the loyal one
* the one who listened, cared, counseled
* the "she'll take care of it so we don't need to" one
* truthfully, though few were aware, the very very broken one
My dearest friend posed the question to me recently " Who do you want people to see when they look at you?" While I think its an important question, I put my own twist on it and started to define who I want to see when I look at me.
The answers came to me fast and furious:
I want to be the girl who defied the odds, from broken home, full of addiction, secrets, lies, dysfunction, domestic violence....who overcame all of that to live a beautiful fulfilling life.
I want to be the woman who found love, security, peace. A woman so deeply in love with her husband that she can't wait for the end of the day to be enveloped in his hug and smile. A relationship founded on mutual trust, respect, love and goals.
I want to be the mother who ignored the statistics of her past and raised healthy, happy, well adjusted daughters. Evidence that the cycle can and has been broken.
I want to be the friend wounded so many times by destructive, unhealthy friendships that she SHOULD have given up....but didn't. The one who finally found the true meaning of real friendships, the kind she'd been looking for all of her life.
I want to be the unlikely statistic....."she'll never lose the weight"......"she can't run a 5K"....."she'll never find a job after being out of the workforce for 17 years"....."she can't write a book" .......but she did.
Heavenly father I hold on to the promise that I am MORE than a conqueror. I have victory that surpasses anything the world tells me I can or can not do. I pray for your strength, courage, and discernment to press toward the promises you have for me. In your name I pray~ amen
Hugs
Michelle
I think we've all had those moments
** you look in the mirror and don't recognize the person staring back at you? You look deeply into your own eyes and its surreal how little you know about yourself
**your child does something so amazing, whether good or bad, and you look on, astonished and think "I never saw that coming, who are you?"
**someone you love, your spouse, your parent, a friend, wounds you in a way you'd never predict and you're stunned into the acknowledgement that you don't really know them.
I've done alot of thinking recently about this. Especially the part about knowing myself. Long ago I disappeared into my life, I stopped being myself and started being:
* a child of domestic violence
*a probability for addiction
* an overweight statistic
* Chris' wife
* Kristi & Chelsea's mom
* the friend everyone counted on to rescue them
* the reliable one
* the loyal one
* the one who listened, cared, counseled
* the "she'll take care of it so we don't need to" one
* truthfully, though few were aware, the very very broken one
The answers came to me fast and furious:
I want to be the girl who defied the odds, from broken home, full of addiction, secrets, lies, dysfunction, domestic violence....who overcame all of that to live a beautiful fulfilling life.
I want to be the woman who found love, security, peace. A woman so deeply in love with her husband that she can't wait for the end of the day to be enveloped in his hug and smile. A relationship founded on mutual trust, respect, love and goals.
I want to be the mother who ignored the statistics of her past and raised healthy, happy, well adjusted daughters. Evidence that the cycle can and has been broken.
I want to be the friend wounded so many times by destructive, unhealthy friendships that she SHOULD have given up....but didn't. The one who finally found the true meaning of real friendships, the kind she'd been looking for all of her life.
I want to be the unlikely statistic....."she'll never lose the weight"......"she can't run a 5K"....."she'll never find a job after being out of the workforce for 17 years"....."she can't write a book" .......but she did.
Heavenly father I hold on to the promise that I am MORE than a conqueror. I have victory that surpasses anything the world tells me I can or can not do. I pray for your strength, courage, and discernment to press toward the promises you have for me. In your name I pray~ amen
Hugs
Michelle
Friday, January 20, 2012
70 x 7= Forgiveness
"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord how many times shallI forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times"~Matthew 18:21&22
Recently, I began working with an amazing life coach . As we discussed my childhood, adult relationships and some of the areas I struggle with it became clear that unforgiveness is a big obstacle for me. She gave me the assignment to repeat "I choose to forgive you _________" 70 times for the next 7 days. I wasn't entirely convinced that it would work but I'm sure willing to give it a try.
During the night, 5 or 6 inches of snow fell. It was light and fluffy and beautiful. Clinging to the branches of the trees, dusting every surface. A winter wonderland for sure. This morning I would have loved nothing more than to curl up under the covers, watch a good movie and stay warm and cozy! However, my husband is away for a few days and I knew I should go out and shovel the driveway. I didn't really WANT to but it needed to get done. I bundled up and set to work. It wasn't long before I started repeating "I choose to forgive you" to myself.
Push, puff, scrape, push "I choose to forgive you"
Huff, pause, push, push, lift "I choose to forgive you"
Slip, slide, push, breathe "I choose to forgive you"
Stop, look around, push, lift, toss, puff "I choose to forgive you"
Several times I slipped and nearly wiped out. Many times I paused, looked around and thought "I can't do this....its going to take forever!"
But I kept moving and going, huffing and puffing, pushing and lifting and throwing the snow to the side and repeating the phrase "I choose to forgive you" That's when it came to me....shoveling snow is alot like forgiveness.
I could certainly have driven over the snow this morning. It would have been the easy thing to do. In the long run however, it would have packed down the snow. A sunny day would have turned that packed snow into ice and created a slippery, dangerous, mess that would only need to be dealt with later. Inevitably, more snow would have fallen on top of the packed icy mess and created even MORE of a mess!
By dealing with the snow today, as soon as it happened I saved myself from extra, more difficult work. Yes it was an effort. It took preparation in the form of boots, mittens, a shovel etc. The right tools are critical. Flip flops and a measuring spoon certainly wouldn't work in this case.It took time, alot of time. It took discipline. I needed to do the work and keep moving forward. There were times I slipped and stumbled and wanted to stop. If I had, I never would have finished.
Shoveling snow is hard work. The best thing for EVERYONE is to pick it up and move it out of the way. Forgivenesss is hard work too. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, I may not want to do the work. Yes, I will probably slip and fall. Reality though, is this.....if I don't move the mess of unforgiveness out of my heart, it will grow cold and hard and create a bigger mess I'll only need to deal with later.
It was a very satisfying moment when I stood back, sweat beaded on my brow, one hand on my hip, the other on the shovel and saw the progress I'd made. And so, I'll forge ahead, doing the work, one shovel full, one step at a time, using the right tools and repeating to myself "I choose to forgive you"
Dear God, I believe that you use real people and real situations to teach us. Thank you for the angel you have sent into my life and for the tools she's handing me to finally learn the gift of forgiveness. I'm not there yet but I can see the progress I'm making. I can't wait for that moment when I stand back in awe and realize how far I've come. May I never forget that you have forgiven me as well. In Jesus' name~Amen
Recently, I began working with an amazing life coach . As we discussed my childhood, adult relationships and some of the areas I struggle with it became clear that unforgiveness is a big obstacle for me. She gave me the assignment to repeat "I choose to forgive you _________" 70 times for the next 7 days. I wasn't entirely convinced that it would work but I'm sure willing to give it a try.
During the night, 5 or 6 inches of snow fell. It was light and fluffy and beautiful. Clinging to the branches of the trees, dusting every surface. A winter wonderland for sure. This morning I would have loved nothing more than to curl up under the covers, watch a good movie and stay warm and cozy! However, my husband is away for a few days and I knew I should go out and shovel the driveway. I didn't really WANT to but it needed to get done. I bundled up and set to work. It wasn't long before I started repeating "I choose to forgive you" to myself.
Push, puff, scrape, push "I choose to forgive you"
Huff, pause, push, push, lift "I choose to forgive you"
Slip, slide, push, breathe "I choose to forgive you"
Stop, look around, push, lift, toss, puff "I choose to forgive you"
Several times I slipped and nearly wiped out. Many times I paused, looked around and thought "I can't do this....its going to take forever!"
But I kept moving and going, huffing and puffing, pushing and lifting and throwing the snow to the side and repeating the phrase "I choose to forgive you" That's when it came to me....shoveling snow is alot like forgiveness.
I could certainly have driven over the snow this morning. It would have been the easy thing to do. In the long run however, it would have packed down the snow. A sunny day would have turned that packed snow into ice and created a slippery, dangerous, mess that would only need to be dealt with later. Inevitably, more snow would have fallen on top of the packed icy mess and created even MORE of a mess!
By dealing with the snow today, as soon as it happened I saved myself from extra, more difficult work. Yes it was an effort. It took preparation in the form of boots, mittens, a shovel etc. The right tools are critical. Flip flops and a measuring spoon certainly wouldn't work in this case.It took time, alot of time. It took discipline. I needed to do the work and keep moving forward. There were times I slipped and stumbled and wanted to stop. If I had, I never would have finished.
Shoveling snow is hard work. The best thing for EVERYONE is to pick it up and move it out of the way. Forgivenesss is hard work too. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, I may not want to do the work. Yes, I will probably slip and fall. Reality though, is this.....if I don't move the mess of unforgiveness out of my heart, it will grow cold and hard and create a bigger mess I'll only need to deal with later.
It was a very satisfying moment when I stood back, sweat beaded on my brow, one hand on my hip, the other on the shovel and saw the progress I'd made. And so, I'll forge ahead, doing the work, one shovel full, one step at a time, using the right tools and repeating to myself "I choose to forgive you"
Dear God, I believe that you use real people and real situations to teach us. Thank you for the angel you have sent into my life and for the tools she's handing me to finally learn the gift of forgiveness. I'm not there yet but I can see the progress I'm making. I can't wait for that moment when I stand back in awe and realize how far I've come. May I never forget that you have forgiven me as well. In Jesus' name~Amen
Sunday, January 8, 2012
What Does That Look Like?
" For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."~Matthew 6:14
Good Morning! It has been far too long since I sat here and wrote a blog. One of my many New Year's Resolutions is to write consistently. SO many things have happened since my last entry in May 2011. I have many many stories to share.
However, this morning one is weighing so heavily on my heart and mind that I haven't even had my first cup of coffee yet. For those of you who know me well, this is as near a MIRACLE as there is! Typically, I'm unable to speak or even remember my name before the first two cups of coffee have been consumed.This is and only can be God at work through me!
A few years ago, along with a group of friends, my family and I went on a Caribbean cruise. It was an adventure we were VERY excited about. The girls looked forward to it for months and we had a fantastic time in Aruba, St Martinn, St John, Cozumel. It was the vacation of a lifetime!
When we arrived home, late that February evening, I remember rounding the bend and my home came into view. I said to my husband "I love my house". He was worked endlessly at remodeling this 200 year old money pit and has created the most comfortable, welcoming, safe haven for us all. Imagine our surprise when a few short minutes later we entered this haven to discover it had been burgalarized while we were away.
So many emotions hit us at once. Panic, fear, anger, grief, confusion, and anger. Did I say ANGER?
Over the course of the next 24 hours, we had State Troopers set up a sting in our garage, neighbors interrogated, my daughters slept in our bed and on our floor. We had been violated beyond comprehension. Our clothes had been rummaged through, our brand new computer was gone, our food had been eaten, our DVDs watched, our hot tub soaked in, our money, cell phones, ipods.... stolen. Nothing felt safe, nothing felt like home.
Within hours, the State Police investigation revealed that the neighborhood boys, the very ones we had taken to baseball games, invited to swim in our pool, welcomed into our "home".....were the same boys who had intentionally obtained our security number and entered without our permission. Not only did they invade our privacy they invited along 5 of their friends to do the same. Over the course of days, they vacationed in my house. They took, ate, drank, and did whatever they wanted to.
It took nearly 7 months but all of the boys were prosecuted to varying degrees. During that time, the girls were harassed at school. One of them even physically intimidated by the neighbor. Our camper was vandalized by them. We received offensive obsene gestures when they drove by. Its safe to say that I'm still strongly wounded by the entire scene of events.
People have suggested that I forgive and forget. I'd like to......really I would! But "What Does That Look Like?" I truly don't know.
Last week I found out......my amazing husband Chris gave me a lesson I doubt I'll ever forget. I had just gotten home from work and was upstairs changing my clothes. I heard a knock at the door and Chris talking with a woman. Moments later he was by my side putting on his sneakers.
"Where are you going?" I asked
The neighbor's mother.....yes, the mother of the boys who had violated our home..... was at the door. One of the boys had been in a car accident. She was crying and needed a ride to the next town over. Yes, it was one of the boys who had broken into my house. Without hesitation, Chris took her. I wasn't sure whether to be angry at his stupidity or awed by his generosity and compassion. I couldn't fathom her nerve to even ask.
And that's when God used the opportunity to tell me "That's what forgiveness looks like."
Heavenly Father, thank you that you use real people and real circumstances to speak to us. Thank you for showing me, through a man I love and respect so much, what forgiveness looks like. I pray that my heart will soften and I too will be able to forgive our neighbors. Thank you for your forgiveness. For all those moments, I've said and done and thought the wrong things but you still love me anyway. Oh and one last thing....Thanks for the blog! I'm so glad to be back :) In Jesus' name~Amen
Hugs!!!!
Michelle
Good Morning! It has been far too long since I sat here and wrote a blog. One of my many New Year's Resolutions is to write consistently. SO many things have happened since my last entry in May 2011. I have many many stories to share.
However, this morning one is weighing so heavily on my heart and mind that I haven't even had my first cup of coffee yet. For those of you who know me well, this is as near a MIRACLE as there is! Typically, I'm unable to speak or even remember my name before the first two cups of coffee have been consumed.This is and only can be God at work through me!
A few years ago, along with a group of friends, my family and I went on a Caribbean cruise. It was an adventure we were VERY excited about. The girls looked forward to it for months and we had a fantastic time in Aruba, St Martinn, St John, Cozumel. It was the vacation of a lifetime!
When we arrived home, late that February evening, I remember rounding the bend and my home came into view. I said to my husband "I love my house". He was worked endlessly at remodeling this 200 year old money pit and has created the most comfortable, welcoming, safe haven for us all. Imagine our surprise when a few short minutes later we entered this haven to discover it had been burgalarized while we were away.
So many emotions hit us at once. Panic, fear, anger, grief, confusion, and anger. Did I say ANGER?
Over the course of the next 24 hours, we had State Troopers set up a sting in our garage, neighbors interrogated, my daughters slept in our bed and on our floor. We had been violated beyond comprehension. Our clothes had been rummaged through, our brand new computer was gone, our food had been eaten, our DVDs watched, our hot tub soaked in, our money, cell phones, ipods.... stolen. Nothing felt safe, nothing felt like home.
Within hours, the State Police investigation revealed that the neighborhood boys, the very ones we had taken to baseball games, invited to swim in our pool, welcomed into our "home".....were the same boys who had intentionally obtained our security number and entered without our permission. Not only did they invade our privacy they invited along 5 of their friends to do the same. Over the course of days, they vacationed in my house. They took, ate, drank, and did whatever they wanted to.
It took nearly 7 months but all of the boys were prosecuted to varying degrees. During that time, the girls were harassed at school. One of them even physically intimidated by the neighbor. Our camper was vandalized by them. We received offensive obsene gestures when they drove by. Its safe to say that I'm still strongly wounded by the entire scene of events.
People have suggested that I forgive and forget. I'd like to......really I would! But "What Does That Look Like?" I truly don't know.
Last week I found out......my amazing husband Chris gave me a lesson I doubt I'll ever forget. I had just gotten home from work and was upstairs changing my clothes. I heard a knock at the door and Chris talking with a woman. Moments later he was by my side putting on his sneakers.
"Where are you going?" I asked
The neighbor's mother.....yes, the mother of the boys who had violated our home..... was at the door. One of the boys had been in a car accident. She was crying and needed a ride to the next town over. Yes, it was one of the boys who had broken into my house. Without hesitation, Chris took her. I wasn't sure whether to be angry at his stupidity or awed by his generosity and compassion. I couldn't fathom her nerve to even ask.
And that's when God used the opportunity to tell me "That's what forgiveness looks like."
Heavenly Father, thank you that you use real people and real circumstances to speak to us. Thank you for showing me, through a man I love and respect so much, what forgiveness looks like. I pray that my heart will soften and I too will be able to forgive our neighbors. Thank you for your forgiveness. For all those moments, I've said and done and thought the wrong things but you still love me anyway. Oh and one last thing....Thanks for the blog! I'm so glad to be back :) In Jesus' name~Amen
Hugs!!!!
Michelle
Sunday, May 15, 2011
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Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Silent Treatment, continued
"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. "~The Message, Romans 8:28
We've all had those experiences......while you're in it, you can't see the purpose, you don't understand, why is this all happening? Later though, the realization comes.
When I wrote "The Silent Treatment" blog, I had no idea where the "To Be Continued" would lead . Actually, I was still pretty caught up in the chaos and was barely treading water. I have a feeling Tam might feel the same way about her "WTF" blog. We both dumped some pretty heavy stuff out when we wrote those. Neither of us were prepared for what the following days would hold in store. If you haven't already read those two blogs, please take a few minutes to do that now. It'll catch you up to speed.
The morning after Tam wrote her blog, her mom had a heart attack. She had a serious, major heart attack. As strong as Tam is, I know it brought her to her knees, literally and figuratively. I have a feeling at some point, Tam will write about it and her experiences through it. I can tell you that it left Tam, myself and many others feeling like "WTF?!" Thankfully, Tam's mom received treatment and it at home now recovering. Many many prayers were answered for her health and recovery. Thank you God for hearing our prayers.
And so....that leads me to my part of the story.....the silent part. You might have noticed that I again, vanished for the past two weeks. This time it wasn't intentional on my part. The day that Tam's mom was rushed to the hospital, my husband started to feel under the weather. He thought it was hayfever. The following morning, it was clear it wasn't. Fever, chills, bodyaches, sore throat, cough, he layed on the sofa and wasted away.
Keep in mind he's a man's man. If there's work to be done, he'll do it, regardless of how he feels. And so he tried.....for 3 days he tried. By Wednesday morning, he couldn't do it anymore and voluntarily brought himself to the doctor. This is HUGE. He doesn't "believe" in doctors or medicine or weakness or sickness. Its nothing a little fresh air won't cure in his book. Ugh, I love my guy but he's got a stubborn streak for sure. His rapid strep test came back negative and the doctor sent him home with "Its a virus. You need rest and fluids. Call us in a day or two if you don't improve."
Wednesday evening, when I started to feel poorly, I assumed I had the same nasty virus and prepared to ride it out. All the same symptoms appeared and for 3 days I rested and drank fluids and tried to get better. However, by Saturday morning I was in rough shape, barely able to swallow and completely unable to breathe through my nose, I brought myself to the Doctor and was diagnosed with strep throat. I left the doctors office with 5 prescriptions... one for Chris, one for Chelsea (who had started complaining of a sore throat) and three for myself including anti inflammatories for the swollen glands and pain killers. Believe it or not, I praised God on my way home for strep throat. At least I knew what I was fighting and I had medicine to cure it!!!
Saturday evening, I missed a surprise 40th Anniversary party for two of my dearest friends. Mother's Day was well, incredibly disappointing too. A family of strep throat victims was NOT the gift I'd imagined. In addition, I had to refuse my daughter, who is away at college, from coming home. She has finals next week and I couldn't take the chance she'd catch this. To make matters worse, I was too sick to even go to church. Bummed out doesn't begin to describe my feelings.
By Monday though, all seemed to be on the rebound. Chelsea went to school, Chris went to work and I cleaned and scrubbed every surface . I never thought it would feel SO good to clean my house. I sat through Chelsea's softball game and cheered my daughter, my husband and their team to their 7th straight victory!!!! Life was returning to normal.....or so I thought.
At some point during the game, I became aware of a dull headache. It grew in intensity and by the time I came home it hurt, alot. I took Tylenol and went to bed early. Maybe I'd overdone it today? By midnight, I was in rough shape and got up to take more meds. By 430 am I was desperate, vomitting, sweating. I was in a full blown migraine. I've only had a couple but I knew all of the symptoms....severe headache, nausea, vomitting, light sensitivity, sound sensitivity.
The ONLY thing I could do was pray "Jesus help me" over and over again. The ONLY thing I could ask for was prayer over and over again. I was completely weak, completely helpless and completely in pain. My daughter drove me to my chiropractor. He and his wife are the beautiful friends who celebrated their anniversary last weekend. As I lay on his examination table, bawling like a 3 year old, he, his wife and my daughter prayed over me, hugged me, cared for me. It was such a humbling experience, even now it brings tears to my eyes.
I became fully aware in that moment of what being a "servant of Christ" means. Regardless of anything else going on in their lives, people stopped what they were doing, to pray for me, to do whatever they could to help me feel better, whether emotionally or physically. I also became painfully aware that for the most part, that is not how I live my life.
So....here's the ugly side of me....I'm selfish. I think about myself....alot.
~What do I want?
~What do I need?
~Why did she hurt me?
~I don't deserve this?
~I'm not doing THAT!
~I don't want to.
~I don't like it.
~I don't have time for this!
Today, I'm feeling substantially better but not 100%. However, my outlook has changed immensely.
~How can I help someone today?
~Who needs a hug?
~Who can I serve?
~Who just needs a smile or a warm touch?
~Who do I know who's struggling and could use a silly card in the mail?
It doesn't take a lot to make people know their special. As they say, a little goes a long way! So, please know that I have prayed for you, if you're reading this blog. I pray that in some way it has blessed you and inspired you. I pray it has challenged you to ask "Who can I serve today?".
Dear God~Thank you for your healing touch in my physical body as well as my heart. Thank you for helping me to see my own selfish nature and for sending Jesus to show us how to be a true servant. I pray for each reader. I pray that they know and have a personal realtionship with you. I pray that you will bless them abundantly and reveal to each of us, who we can serve today on your behalf. In Jesus' name. Amen.
Healthy Hugs,
Michelle
We've all had those experiences......while you're in it, you can't see the purpose, you don't understand, why is this all happening? Later though, the realization comes.
When I wrote "The Silent Treatment" blog, I had no idea where the "To Be Continued" would lead . Actually, I was still pretty caught up in the chaos and was barely treading water. I have a feeling Tam might feel the same way about her "WTF" blog. We both dumped some pretty heavy stuff out when we wrote those. Neither of us were prepared for what the following days would hold in store. If you haven't already read those two blogs, please take a few minutes to do that now. It'll catch you up to speed.
The morning after Tam wrote her blog, her mom had a heart attack. She had a serious, major heart attack. As strong as Tam is, I know it brought her to her knees, literally and figuratively. I have a feeling at some point, Tam will write about it and her experiences through it. I can tell you that it left Tam, myself and many others feeling like "WTF?!" Thankfully, Tam's mom received treatment and it at home now recovering. Many many prayers were answered for her health and recovery. Thank you God for hearing our prayers.
And so....that leads me to my part of the story.....the silent part. You might have noticed that I again, vanished for the past two weeks. This time it wasn't intentional on my part. The day that Tam's mom was rushed to the hospital, my husband started to feel under the weather. He thought it was hayfever. The following morning, it was clear it wasn't. Fever, chills, bodyaches, sore throat, cough, he layed on the sofa and wasted away.
Keep in mind he's a man's man. If there's work to be done, he'll do it, regardless of how he feels. And so he tried.....for 3 days he tried. By Wednesday morning, he couldn't do it anymore and voluntarily brought himself to the doctor. This is HUGE. He doesn't "believe" in doctors or medicine or weakness or sickness. Its nothing a little fresh air won't cure in his book. Ugh, I love my guy but he's got a stubborn streak for sure. His rapid strep test came back negative and the doctor sent him home with "Its a virus. You need rest and fluids. Call us in a day or two if you don't improve."
Wednesday evening, when I started to feel poorly, I assumed I had the same nasty virus and prepared to ride it out. All the same symptoms appeared and for 3 days I rested and drank fluids and tried to get better. However, by Saturday morning I was in rough shape, barely able to swallow and completely unable to breathe through my nose, I brought myself to the Doctor and was diagnosed with strep throat. I left the doctors office with 5 prescriptions... one for Chris, one for Chelsea (who had started complaining of a sore throat) and three for myself including anti inflammatories for the swollen glands and pain killers. Believe it or not, I praised God on my way home for strep throat. At least I knew what I was fighting and I had medicine to cure it!!!
Saturday evening, I missed a surprise 40th Anniversary party for two of my dearest friends. Mother's Day was well, incredibly disappointing too. A family of strep throat victims was NOT the gift I'd imagined. In addition, I had to refuse my daughter, who is away at college, from coming home. She has finals next week and I couldn't take the chance she'd catch this. To make matters worse, I was too sick to even go to church. Bummed out doesn't begin to describe my feelings.
By Monday though, all seemed to be on the rebound. Chelsea went to school, Chris went to work and I cleaned and scrubbed every surface . I never thought it would feel SO good to clean my house. I sat through Chelsea's softball game and cheered my daughter, my husband and their team to their 7th straight victory!!!! Life was returning to normal.....or so I thought.
At some point during the game, I became aware of a dull headache. It grew in intensity and by the time I came home it hurt, alot. I took Tylenol and went to bed early. Maybe I'd overdone it today? By midnight, I was in rough shape and got up to take more meds. By 430 am I was desperate, vomitting, sweating. I was in a full blown migraine. I've only had a couple but I knew all of the symptoms....severe headache, nausea, vomitting, light sensitivity, sound sensitivity.
The ONLY thing I could do was pray "Jesus help me" over and over again. The ONLY thing I could ask for was prayer over and over again. I was completely weak, completely helpless and completely in pain. My daughter drove me to my chiropractor. He and his wife are the beautiful friends who celebrated their anniversary last weekend. As I lay on his examination table, bawling like a 3 year old, he, his wife and my daughter prayed over me, hugged me, cared for me. It was such a humbling experience, even now it brings tears to my eyes.
I became fully aware in that moment of what being a "servant of Christ" means. Regardless of anything else going on in their lives, people stopped what they were doing, to pray for me, to do whatever they could to help me feel better, whether emotionally or physically. I also became painfully aware that for the most part, that is not how I live my life.
So....here's the ugly side of me....I'm selfish. I think about myself....alot.
~What do I want?
~What do I need?
~Why did she hurt me?
~I don't deserve this?
~I'm not doing THAT!
~I don't want to.
~I don't like it.
~I don't have time for this!
Today, I'm feeling substantially better but not 100%. However, my outlook has changed immensely.
~How can I help someone today?
~Who needs a hug?
~Who can I serve?
~Who just needs a smile or a warm touch?
~Who do I know who's struggling and could use a silly card in the mail?
It doesn't take a lot to make people know their special. As they say, a little goes a long way! So, please know that I have prayed for you, if you're reading this blog. I pray that in some way it has blessed you and inspired you. I pray it has challenged you to ask "Who can I serve today?".
Dear God~Thank you for your healing touch in my physical body as well as my heart. Thank you for helping me to see my own selfish nature and for sending Jesus to show us how to be a true servant. I pray for each reader. I pray that they know and have a personal realtionship with you. I pray that you will bless them abundantly and reveal to each of us, who we can serve today on your behalf. In Jesus' name. Amen.
Healthy Hugs,
Michelle
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